Robert Schimmel, CANCER ON $5 A DAY, author, standup comedian: Mr. Media Interview, Part 2
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LISTEN to PART 1 of this interview by clicking here!
LISTEN to PART 2 of this interview by clicking here!
BOB ANDELMAN/Mr. MEDIA: You said in the book that the day you were diagnosed, a rabbi came in and then, I guess, priests came in, and you talked about prayer. I think it was the priest who said, “What’s it gonna hurt to try?” I think you also talk about how you’d just as soon talk to all sides because you don’t want to get up there and find out that all those people who were trying to interest you in Jesus that, maybe, they were right.
ROBERT SCHIMMEL: Yeah. There’s a chaplain in the hospital, and they do their rounds everyday. When the guy came in the first time, he said, “Hi, I’m the chaplain. Are you a Christian?” And I said, “No, I’m Jewish.” He said, “Well, I’m sorry that I bothered you.” I said, “Where you going? I don’t want you to leave.” He said, “Do you want to pray with me?” I said, “Yeah, let’s go.” He said, “Okay, but I’m gonna be praying to Jesus,” and I said, “I’m gonna be right there with you. I don’t want to die and get up there and have Jesus at the gate going, ‘You? Where do you think you’re going?’” Who knows?
I think people invented religion. God didn’t do all that. And so whether you’re Catholic or Lutheran or Protestant or Jewish or whatever, I look at God as like in the middle of a bicycle wheel, and every spoke is a different religion, and it doesn’t make any difference which one you’re on, they all lead to the same thing. As long as you’re on one of them then that’s good.
I did a radio show last week, I think, in New York where I was on the radio with a doctor on the show. And when I said that I prayed when I was getting chemotherapy, he started laughing, and he said, “You really did that?” And I said, “Yeah.” He goes, “You know you’re praying to nothing. There is nothing.” I said, “What?!” And he said, “That’s not real. The Bible is made up by other people. I believe in evolution, and we evolved from apes. That’s where we came from, not from the Garden of Eden and all that stuff.” I said, “Well, if we evolved from apes then why did apes stop having human kids?” And he said, “What?” And I said, “If fish had gills and then they came out of the water and became animals that lived on the land and then they don’t have gills anymore, then if we evolved from apes, how come we stopped evolving?” And there was just dead air space. He did not have an answer, and I thought it was really funny.
ANDELMAN: I like that.
SCHIMMEL: And you know what? That is the way I was brought up. And I watch George Carlin talk completely in the opposite direction, and it floors me. He makes me laugh so much. I know him. When he came out with the book When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? or whatever it was, I bought it. I was laughing out loud reading it on an airplane. And the next radio show I did, I talked about how funny his book was, and I get home and he calls me up. And he goes, “Are you plugging my book on the radio?” I said, “Yeah,” and he said, “Why?” I said, “It’s fucking hysterical.” He said, “Schimmel, why would you buy my book? All you have to do is ask me, and I would give it to you.” I said, “I’m not gonna ask you to give me your book. I was on the road, and I wanted to get it then.” Like two hours later, a messenger knocked on my door and handed me this package. I opened it up, and it was the same book from Carlin. He sent it over, and inside it says, Hey, Schimmel, Go fuck yourself – George Carlin.
ANDELMAN: That’s great. That was worth having him send the book over.
SCHIMMEL: Oh yeah. Well, I’ve had some amazing experiences. I was friends with Rodney Dangerfield, and people asked me what he was like, and I say, “Just imagine the movie Back to School or Easy Money and think that Rodney’s not acting. They built a movie around his behavior because that’s the way he really was. There was no ‘Get into the character.’ That was him, and he used to walk around in a jogging suit and a bottle of Evian water, but there was really Absolut Vodka in there and not water.”
I went to go see Rodney in Vegas, and my mom and dad were there. And I wanted my parents to meet Rodney because I thought, You know what? They’re gonna meet Rodney, and they think he’s really funny. They’ve seem him on Ed Sullivan and on The Tonight Show and on the Mike Douglas Show, and they’re gonna really believe that I’m in show business for real
So we go see his show. And my dad’s a real early bird, and he goes to bed like 9:00 at night. So I go up to the dressing room with my mom, and I knock on the door, and Rodney -- I swear I am not making this up -- Rodney opens the door, he’s wearing a silk robe that has playing cards on it with his balls hanging out, no underwear, literally out of the crack of the robe, he had a joint in one hand and a Miller Lite in the other. And he said, “Hey, you must be Bob’s mom.” I’m like Oh, you’ve gotta be shitting me. This is not what I wanted my mom to see, and he started hitting on my mom. He said, “Where’s your husband?” She said, “Oh, he went to bed.” He goes, “What are you doing later, baby?” He was really something.
ANDELMAN: It’s so nice to hear that, too, because I’ve watched Caddyshack about 200 times, and I wanted him to actually be the guy in Caddyshack because I didn’t want him to be acting.
SCHIMMEL: The first time I met Rodney was perfect. It really was. Talking about things happening at a moment, I had just come off stage at The Comedy Store, and Gallagher came over to me. And comics all hang out back in the out back there of the parking lot and talk and everything, and he was talking to me, and he said, “Where do you think you’re going with talking about jerking off and going to the bathroom? That leads nowhere.” He insulted me in front of other comedians, and right then, Rodney came over to me, and he said, “Hey, kid, I just saw you on stage, and I have a new HBO special I’m shooting next week, and you’re the first person I’m picking to be on it.” And it couldn’t have happened at a better moment. So then Rodney goes, “Hey, you want to have dinner with me?” And I said, “Yeah!” So I go with him to have dinner at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on Wilshire and Santa Monica. We have dinner in there. When we come out, Merv Griffin is standing out front because Merv owned the hotel.
ANDELMAN: Right.
SCHIMMEL: And Merv said, “Hey, Rodney, how you doing?” And Rodney said, “Hey, Merv, everything’s okay, alright?” And as soon as Merv turned around, Rodney went, “Big fag!” and I’m like, Oh, my God. There’s no way that Merv didn’t hear that!
ANDELMAN: Oh my God.
SCHIMMEL: After I finished chemotherapy, Conan O’Brien was really great to me, and he told me, “When you’re done with treatment, whenever you think you’re ready to come on, you let me know, and you’re on.” So I flew to New York. I’m gonna go on Conan. I wanted to even though I didn’t look my best because I had to know for myself that I still had it. I performed in Las Vegas in the middle of chemotherapy because I had to know for myself that even though cancer was ravaging my body the way it was, that it could not touch who I was or my sense of humor or my spirit, and I just refused to give in that way.
I’m walking down Broadway, and Jackie Mason comes out of the Stage Deli, and he’s with two friends, and they’re walking up Broadway. And the two friends stop, and they’re talking to someone else, and Jackie sees me. I’m completely bald. I have a little bit of hair under my lip, no eyebrows, no eyelashes, I’m wearing a baseball hat, and he comes over, and he goes, “Oh, my God, what happened to you?” I said, “I just finished chemotherapy.” And he said, “Chemotherapy? You had cancer? What kind did you have?” I said, “Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.” He said, “Oh, my God, how you doing now?” I said, “I’m doing okay,” and he goes, “How’s your brother?” I said, “My brother’s great.” And his two friends walk over, and Jackie goes, “I want you to meet a real funny guy, Howie Mandel.” He thought I was Howie!
ANDELMAN: Because you were bald.
SCHIMMEL: And his friend goes, “He doesn’t look like Howie Mandel,” and he goes, “Of course he doesn’t look like Howie Mandel! He just finished chemotherapy. He lost a lot of weight.” And Jackie says to me, “What are you doing in town?” I said, “I’m doing Conan O’Brien tomorrow night.” He goes, “Are you busy tonight?” I said, “No.” He goes, “How’d you like to have dinner, you and me, two intelligent comics, have a nice dinner and a conversation together?” I said okay. He said, “Where are you staying?” I said, “At the Parker Meridien.” He said, “Under what name?” I said, “Robert Schimmel.” He said, “Robert Schimmel? How did you come up with that name?” I said, “That’s my real name.” He said, “Howie Mandel is your stage name?” And he felt so bad for Howie. I didn’t have the balls to tell him I wasn’t him.
ANDELMAN: And did you go through with dinner?
SCHIMMEL: Yeah, and then he winds up telling people that Howie went through chemotherapy. And like a month later, I’m up in Montreal for the comedy festival, and I’m checking into the Delta Hotel, that’s where everybody stays. And the first person I run into in the lobby is Howie, and he comes over to me, and he goes, “So how am I doing?”
ANDELMAN: That’s great. Oh, God.
SCHIMMEL: Yeah.
ANDELMAN: And, of course, everybody talks, so everybody knows.
SCHIMMEL: That’s why I can’t believe the life that I’ve had. When I was a kid, I always loved comedians, and I watched everybody. I’m 58 years old. I remember Sid Caesar and “Your Show of Shows” and Ernie Kovacs and Jackie Gleason and all that stuff, and one of the comics, Jerry Lewis, I idolized, and one of the comics that I really loved that made me laugh so much was Jackie Vernon, and I got to work with him a couple of times.
Once they called and said, “Hey, this guy’s opening. Do you think you want to go work at this place?” They don’t tell me who it is. I get there, and it says, “Tonight Only, Jackie Vernon.” And I’m like, “Holy shit!” and I’m hanging out with him. And then he goes, “You’re pretty funny. I’m doing this gig at the Hoosier Dome. You want to do that with me? It pays a thousand dollars for the opening act for one night in a first-class arena. You sign for meals.” I said okay. Well, we get there, and it’s a religious convention, and Jackie was completely clean. It was nothing you could find offensive in anything he said no matter who you were. He could literally do a show in front of the Pope. There was nothing. And these guys that were like the Oddfellows or whatever they’re called, they looked like Amish people, but they’re not Amish, but it’s almost something like that. So we get there, and he goes, “Oh, boy. This isn’t gonna be good. Let me tell you how we’re gonna do this. I’m gonna go on first because they know me, and I’m gonna go do the show. Then I’m gonna bring you on and introduce you as my protégé, and as soon as I get the check, I’m gonna give you the signal, and you say, ‘Good night.’” I said okay. He goes on, does 45 minutes, they love him, and then he goes, “Now I’d like to bring up this young, up-and-coming comic. He’s a really funny guy. He travels with me on the road. Robert Schimmel!” and I walk out there. He hands me the mike, and I said, “So I’m taking a shit…” and he grabbed the mike out of my hand, and he said, “How about another hand for Robert Schimmel, ladies and gentlemen?” And I turned to him, and I said, “What about the signal?” And he said, “We’re waaaay past the signal.”
Click Here to Keep Reading!
© 2008 by Bob Andelman. All rights reserved.
LISTEN to PART 1 of this interview by clicking here!
LISTEN to PART 2 of this interview by clicking here!
BOB ANDELMAN/Mr. MEDIA: You said in the book that the day you were diagnosed, a rabbi came in and then, I guess, priests came in, and you talked about prayer. I think it was the priest who said, “What’s it gonna hurt to try?” I think you also talk about how you’d just as soon talk to all sides because you don’t want to get up there and find out that all those people who were trying to interest you in Jesus that, maybe, they were right.
ROBERT SCHIMMEL: Yeah. There’s a chaplain in the hospital, and they do their rounds everyday. When the guy came in the first time, he said, “Hi, I’m the chaplain. Are you a Christian?” And I said, “No, I’m Jewish.” He said, “Well, I’m sorry that I bothered you.” I said, “Where you going? I don’t want you to leave.” He said, “Do you want to pray with me?” I said, “Yeah, let’s go.” He said, “Okay, but I’m gonna be praying to Jesus,” and I said, “I’m gonna be right there with you. I don’t want to die and get up there and have Jesus at the gate going, ‘You? Where do you think you’re going?’” Who knows?
I think people invented religion. God didn’t do all that. And so whether you’re Catholic or Lutheran or Protestant or Jewish or whatever, I look at God as like in the middle of a bicycle wheel, and every spoke is a different religion, and it doesn’t make any difference which one you’re on, they all lead to the same thing. As long as you’re on one of them then that’s good.
I did a radio show last week, I think, in New York where I was on the radio with a doctor on the show. And when I said that I prayed when I was getting chemotherapy, he started laughing, and he said, “You really did that?” And I said, “Yeah.” He goes, “You know you’re praying to nothing. There is nothing.” I said, “What?!” And he said, “That’s not real. The Bible is made up by other people. I believe in evolution, and we evolved from apes. That’s where we came from, not from the Garden of Eden and all that stuff.” I said, “Well, if we evolved from apes then why did apes stop having human kids?” And he said, “What?” And I said, “If fish had gills and then they came out of the water and became animals that lived on the land and then they don’t have gills anymore, then if we evolved from apes, how come we stopped evolving?” And there was just dead air space. He did not have an answer, and I thought it was really funny.
ANDELMAN: I like that.
SCHIMMEL: And you know what? That is the way I was brought up. And I watch George Carlin talk completely in the opposite direction, and it floors me. He makes me laugh so much. I know him. When he came out with the book When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? or whatever it was, I bought it. I was laughing out loud reading it on an airplane. And the next radio show I did, I talked about how funny his book was, and I get home and he calls me up. And he goes, “Are you plugging my book on the radio?” I said, “Yeah,” and he said, “Why?” I said, “It’s fucking hysterical.” He said, “Schimmel, why would you buy my book? All you have to do is ask me, and I would give it to you.” I said, “I’m not gonna ask you to give me your book. I was on the road, and I wanted to get it then.” Like two hours later, a messenger knocked on my door and handed me this package. I opened it up, and it was the same book from Carlin. He sent it over, and inside it says, Hey, Schimmel, Go fuck yourself – George Carlin.
ANDELMAN: That’s great. That was worth having him send the book over.
SCHIMMEL: Oh yeah. Well, I’ve had some amazing experiences. I was friends with Rodney Dangerfield, and people asked me what he was like, and I say, “Just imagine the movie Back to School or Easy Money and think that Rodney’s not acting. They built a movie around his behavior because that’s the way he really was. There was no ‘Get into the character.’ That was him, and he used to walk around in a jogging suit and a bottle of Evian water, but there was really Absolut Vodka in there and not water.”
I went to go see Rodney in Vegas, and my mom and dad were there. And I wanted my parents to meet Rodney because I thought, You know what? They’re gonna meet Rodney, and they think he’s really funny. They’ve seem him on Ed Sullivan and on The Tonight Show and on the Mike Douglas Show, and they’re gonna really believe that I’m in show business for real
So we go see his show. And my dad’s a real early bird, and he goes to bed like 9:00 at night. So I go up to the dressing room with my mom, and I knock on the door, and Rodney -- I swear I am not making this up -- Rodney opens the door, he’s wearing a silk robe that has playing cards on it with his balls hanging out, no underwear, literally out of the crack of the robe, he had a joint in one hand and a Miller Lite in the other. And he said, “Hey, you must be Bob’s mom.” I’m like Oh, you’ve gotta be shitting me. This is not what I wanted my mom to see, and he started hitting on my mom. He said, “Where’s your husband?” She said, “Oh, he went to bed.” He goes, “What are you doing later, baby?” He was really something.
ANDELMAN: It’s so nice to hear that, too, because I’ve watched Caddyshack about 200 times, and I wanted him to actually be the guy in Caddyshack because I didn’t want him to be acting.
SCHIMMEL: The first time I met Rodney was perfect. It really was. Talking about things happening at a moment, I had just come off stage at The Comedy Store, and Gallagher came over to me. And comics all hang out back in the out back there of the parking lot and talk and everything, and he was talking to me, and he said, “Where do you think you’re going with talking about jerking off and going to the bathroom? That leads nowhere.” He insulted me in front of other comedians, and right then, Rodney came over to me, and he said, “Hey, kid, I just saw you on stage, and I have a new HBO special I’m shooting next week, and you’re the first person I’m picking to be on it.” And it couldn’t have happened at a better moment. So then Rodney goes, “Hey, you want to have dinner with me?” And I said, “Yeah!” So I go with him to have dinner at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on Wilshire and Santa Monica. We have dinner in there. When we come out, Merv Griffin is standing out front because Merv owned the hotel.
ANDELMAN: Right.
SCHIMMEL: And Merv said, “Hey, Rodney, how you doing?” And Rodney said, “Hey, Merv, everything’s okay, alright?” And as soon as Merv turned around, Rodney went, “Big fag!” and I’m like, Oh, my God. There’s no way that Merv didn’t hear that!
ANDELMAN: Oh my God.
SCHIMMEL: After I finished chemotherapy, Conan O’Brien was really great to me, and he told me, “When you’re done with treatment, whenever you think you’re ready to come on, you let me know, and you’re on.” So I flew to New York. I’m gonna go on Conan. I wanted to even though I didn’t look my best because I had to know for myself that I still had it. I performed in Las Vegas in the middle of chemotherapy because I had to know for myself that even though cancer was ravaging my body the way it was, that it could not touch who I was or my sense of humor or my spirit, and I just refused to give in that way.
I’m walking down Broadway, and Jackie Mason comes out of the Stage Deli, and he’s with two friends, and they’re walking up Broadway. And the two friends stop, and they’re talking to someone else, and Jackie sees me. I’m completely bald. I have a little bit of hair under my lip, no eyebrows, no eyelashes, I’m wearing a baseball hat, and he comes over, and he goes, “Oh, my God, what happened to you?” I said, “I just finished chemotherapy.” And he said, “Chemotherapy? You had cancer? What kind did you have?” I said, “Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.” He said, “Oh, my God, how you doing now?” I said, “I’m doing okay,” and he goes, “How’s your brother?” I said, “My brother’s great.” And his two friends walk over, and Jackie goes, “I want you to meet a real funny guy, Howie Mandel.” He thought I was Howie!
ANDELMAN: Because you were bald.
SCHIMMEL: And his friend goes, “He doesn’t look like Howie Mandel,” and he goes, “Of course he doesn’t look like Howie Mandel! He just finished chemotherapy. He lost a lot of weight.” And Jackie says to me, “What are you doing in town?” I said, “I’m doing Conan O’Brien tomorrow night.” He goes, “Are you busy tonight?” I said, “No.” He goes, “How’d you like to have dinner, you and me, two intelligent comics, have a nice dinner and a conversation together?” I said okay. He said, “Where are you staying?” I said, “At the Parker Meridien.” He said, “Under what name?” I said, “Robert Schimmel.” He said, “Robert Schimmel? How did you come up with that name?” I said, “That’s my real name.” He said, “Howie Mandel is your stage name?” And he felt so bad for Howie. I didn’t have the balls to tell him I wasn’t him.
ANDELMAN: And did you go through with dinner?
SCHIMMEL: Yeah, and then he winds up telling people that Howie went through chemotherapy. And like a month later, I’m up in Montreal for the comedy festival, and I’m checking into the Delta Hotel, that’s where everybody stays. And the first person I run into in the lobby is Howie, and he comes over to me, and he goes, “So how am I doing?”
ANDELMAN: That’s great. Oh, God.
SCHIMMEL: Yeah.
ANDELMAN: And, of course, everybody talks, so everybody knows.
SCHIMMEL: That’s why I can’t believe the life that I’ve had. When I was a kid, I always loved comedians, and I watched everybody. I’m 58 years old. I remember Sid Caesar and “Your Show of Shows” and Ernie Kovacs and Jackie Gleason and all that stuff, and one of the comics, Jerry Lewis, I idolized, and one of the comics that I really loved that made me laugh so much was Jackie Vernon, and I got to work with him a couple of times.
Once they called and said, “Hey, this guy’s opening. Do you think you want to go work at this place?” They don’t tell me who it is. I get there, and it says, “Tonight Only, Jackie Vernon.” And I’m like, “Holy shit!” and I’m hanging out with him. And then he goes, “You’re pretty funny. I’m doing this gig at the Hoosier Dome. You want to do that with me? It pays a thousand dollars for the opening act for one night in a first-class arena. You sign for meals.” I said okay. Well, we get there, and it’s a religious convention, and Jackie was completely clean. It was nothing you could find offensive in anything he said no matter who you were. He could literally do a show in front of the Pope. There was nothing. And these guys that were like the Oddfellows or whatever they’re called, they looked like Amish people, but they’re not Amish, but it’s almost something like that. So we get there, and he goes, “Oh, boy. This isn’t gonna be good. Let me tell you how we’re gonna do this. I’m gonna go on first because they know me, and I’m gonna go do the show. Then I’m gonna bring you on and introduce you as my protégé, and as soon as I get the check, I’m gonna give you the signal, and you say, ‘Good night.’” I said okay. He goes on, does 45 minutes, they love him, and then he goes, “Now I’d like to bring up this young, up-and-coming comic. He’s a really funny guy. He travels with me on the road. Robert Schimmel!” and I walk out there. He hands me the mike, and I said, “So I’m taking a shit…” and he grabbed the mike out of my hand, and he said, “How about another hand for Robert Schimmel, ladies and gentlemen?” And I turned to him, and I said, “What about the signal?” And he said, “We’re waaaay past the signal.”
Click Here to Keep Reading!
© 2008 by Bob Andelman. All rights reserved.
Labels: Cancer, George Carlin, Howie Mandel, Jackie Mason, Jackie Vernon, Merv Griffin, Robert Schimmel, Rodney Dangerfield, Searching for God, standup comedians
posted by Bob Andelman at
12:32 PM
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